I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
