i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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