I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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