Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
