I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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