Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
