So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
