how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
