Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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