Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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