Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
