just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize