i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
