it's too hot outside to masturbate.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
