Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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