I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
