You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize