fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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