Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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