If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
