can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
