my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
