your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
