I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
