At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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