if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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