I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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