And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
