hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
