69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
