This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
