You just made me feel so damn special
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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