dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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