I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
