I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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