Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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