I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize