It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
