turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
