She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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