I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize