Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize