Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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