Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
