Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
