My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
