I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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