Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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