How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
