I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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