it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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