I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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