if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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