im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
