so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
