we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
