way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
