I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm bleeding and have questions
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
