So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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