two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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