You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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