All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
