Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
