He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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