Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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