if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
