I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
