oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
