i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize