Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
