Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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