May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
