that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
