don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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