I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is Oprah even human
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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