who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
